Weak

I feel so weak. Physically weak and emotionally vulnerable. There’s just a lot of things going on in my life that I cant control and makes me want to give up everything all together. It’s like from a line in a movie, “just when you think you’ve got everything you’ll start to loose it all together”. I thought I did have it all, a fine job, a fairly tolerable family, supportive friends and as for love not that good but something I’ve always managed to ignore. I thought I had it all but I guess I don’t or I can no longer keep them.
 
I thought I have a fine job but now I’m starting to hate it. I’m so stressed out to the point that I’m on the verge of leaving my profession for a low paying job where I can own my time and enjoy my life. My job is stealing away the things I have. It’s taking me away from my family, my friends and even from myself. Taking on a big responsibility is all too soon for me. All to soon and at the wrong project. I’m stuck though. I cant go anywhere, I’m obliged to finish my responsibilities. Plus the fact that I havent found any new job if ever I leave. Right now, financial stability is the issue and it’s not about job loyalty. I cant afford to be jobless so as of now I’m still staying.
 
My family. We’re stricken by a great ordeal. Tatay came back home and he is ill. I cant bear see him and not cry of pity. I see Nanay cry, I see Tatay cry. I don’t want to feel sad when I’m in front of them. But I feel so helpless. I cant do anything except be there for Tatay. I cant make him well. I can only try to make him feel better by being there. I am not good in taking care of sick people. Whenever I see Tatay in pain it breaks my heart and the only thing that I can do is cry. But that I can’t do it in front of him. It’s something I can only do when I get home and lock myself in my room.
 
Sometimes I find myself already out of tears. My heart just stops breathing, everything around me seems invisible and I cant hear or remember a thing. I am taking it in a wrong way. I’m dying. I’m dying to have someone to talk to where I can pour my heart out. Who I can cry and talk to at the same time and ramble about my problems. I’m in need of a friend. A friend who would just listen. Who doesn’t know a thing about me. Somebody who wouldn’t think of anything about what I would tell but would just listen. I’m tired of keeping things to myself. I’m tired of keeping my frustrations, anger and sadness all to myself. I’m tired of just writing all about it. I’m tired of talking to my pillow and secretly whispering my problems. I want for somebody to be physically there. In that way I can find comfort. Nobody can solve my problems for me and make things easy for me. It’s all up to me. But knowing that there’s someone who I could talk to and listen to me is enough.